101 Things ~ About Me

(1.) I love Eugene, Oregon & lived there for six months while on a student exchange program.  I wanted to go wherever there were ‘hippies.”  I still miss it.  (2.) San Francisco is my favorite place in the world.  (3.)  Once I bought what I thought was a hemp product on the street there & it was green shag carpeting.  (4.)  I worked the midnight shift as a word processor in a NYC law firm for 3 years.  It was a big deal for me, a girl who grew up in Small Town, IL, population 3,600.  (5. ) I lived a year in Winston-Salem, NC and hated it.  They believe the Mason-Dixon Line is REAL down there.

(6.) I love playing craps & Sic Bo.  Fortunately, I hate losing money even more.  (7.)  My favorite number is six.  I was born on Father’s Day, 6/16/60.  Thank God for the number one in between the sixes or I would be beside myself.  (8.) I’m diabetic & had to stop eating sugar after being addicted to it for 30 years.  Chocolate peanut butter ice cream is my kryptonite.  I’ve since lost 58 pounds.  (9.) Always books, never dolls.  I met my favorite author, Augusten Burroughs, & began to cry.  (10.) I am a bit obsessed with proper spelling & grammar — not yours, mine.

(11.)  I love letters to the editor.  I won a monthly contest & was “Letter of the Month” at our local paper.  When I was notified I said, “Oh my God, this is all I ever wanted!” & the woman knew she was dealing with a freak.  (12.) A pompous attorney once had a letter printed stating I was a “Democratic plant” at a local council debate.  (13.)  Today I am a Libertarian & a registered Independent.  (14.) My Bachelor’s degree from ISU is in Criminal Justice. (15.) When I was an adult probation officer & had to recommend people for prison I cried in court.  I am extremely empathic & sympathetic, to a fault — except when it comes to my mother.

(16.) I jumped out of an airplane for a class at the University of Oregon.  (17.) I once drove my car onto a sidewalk while chasing a bus my boyfriend had just jumped on.  We later had a child together.  (18.) When I was 16 my boyfriends were 23 & 26.  I don’t know how I will ever allow a boy to go near my daughter.  (19.) I worked overnights in a runaway home & was assaulted by a man who jumped on top of me in the middle of the night.  I screamed & scared him away, but he tried to come back in the window.  He was never caught & I wish I’d scratched his face for ID. (20.) Drums & acoustic guitar are my favorite instruments, so Mom made me play the saxophone.

(21.) I love playing practical jokes. Once the police were called to one of the practical joke scenes I was involved in.  It was bad.  (22.) My niece is currently in prison for dealing in double digit pounds of marijuana, she has 3 small children & I wish she’d sent at least one to live with me but instead they’re in foster care.  (23.) While working in a 7-11 a homeless man once told me he might be willing to “give up the life” to be with me.  I was seriously honored.  (24.) I caught a 6.5 lb. Walleye in Minnesota, when I was only 7 years old.  (25.) I grew up with a Rage-Aholic parent.  Then I married a man who I’ve never heard scream, never seen angry.  I am so lucky.  I never knew this kind of life existed before.

(26.) I worked as a counselor in a federal halfway house & initially the walls were painted black, there were chains mounted to blocks of wood. It had been a gay S&M parlor.  It is really stupid to put a 23-year old girl in such a position.  Long story.  (27.) I volunteered in a juvenile detention facility & had to perform strip searches. (28.) I have tremendous anxiety riding in cars & panic easily.  I much prefer driving.  (29.) I have a cousin who is a television anchor.  When she was born I thought she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.  (30.) I have a fake front tooth.  It was chipped twice and had to be capped after a babysitting accident.  The temporary cap fell in my popcorn at a theatre.  I still hate my teeth.

(31.) I once saw a homeless guy pull a toothbrush out of a garbage can & begin to brush his teeth there on the street. (32.) A boy in 2nd grade got mad & told me to “go breastfeed off your mother.”  I was so confused.  (33.) I was knocked unconscious in an automobile accident when the girl driving hit a pizza truck broadside while changing her shirt.  (34.) At age 14 I began sneaking my boyfriend up the stairs to spend the night in my room.  (35.) I ruthlessly spied on my son when he was a teenager and I don’t have a single drop of remorse.  I think it’s an absolute necessity.

(36.) I was in the shower during an earthquake in San Francisco, ran to the living room naked and saw window washers swinging out of control outside my window.  (37.) I worked in a group home and was the only white staff person, everyone else was black. It was a wonderful experience.  (38.) In said group home a girl threw a light bulb at my head and barely missed.  A schizophrenic boy chased me around the house with a knife & I locked myself in the office.  (39.) I almost drowned in a riptide, a horrible & terrifying experience.  It ruined the ocean for me.  (40.) I was married once for 3 weeks and it ended in a restraining order.

(41.) My husband and I have been together 15 years. I never thought I could find someone who would hold my interest that long.  (42.) Before meeting him I believed I could survive anything and now I have lost that self confidence. I really hate that.  (43.) Natural labor with my son took 37-1/2 hours and I had to have a blood transfusion, in San Francisco, 1985.  (44.) I have been AIDS tested several times and it took a dozen years to lose the fear & believe the negative outcome.

(45.) I wanted a son the first time & my first thought when he was born was, “I can’t believe God gave me what I really wanted.” Eleven years later I wanted a daughter desperately.  I’m still in awe.  (46.) I wear size 11 shoes.  I was a 10 before the second child.  (47.) I gained 80 pounds during my first pregnancy & lost almost all of it.  (48.) My favorite job ever was working for an attorney who handled appellate death penalty defense. I still have a 48-page letter from a dude who went over the edge  (50.) My first car was a red Dodge Charger.  My car today is a Dodge Charger.  Somewhere in the middle I drove cars with no heat and no insurance.

(51.) I do not touch bathroom doors or flushers, except with my feet, ever.  (52.) I once poured a bottle of water in the window of a car parked too close to mine. Today I always park at the far end.  (53.) During high school I was a grocery check-out girl. An older classmate came through the line with one breast hanging out of her halter top. I didn’t mention it.  (54.) In college I let my entire room get so messy and crumb-filled that it was over-run by ants, a real life crawling nightmare. (55.) I was elected to a board of education & quit after two years.  I hated the idiots I had to share the table with so much that I did not want my name associated with their decisions.

(56.) I dated criminals before marrying a police chief.  (57.) I drove my first car100 plus mph on country roads & got a speeding ticket while still on a learner’s permit.  (58.) I got drunk at my younger sister’s wedding and made a total ass of myself, barf included. I have blacked out from hard alcohol on more than one occasion & so I don’t drink much any more.  (59). I am a people pleaser and sometimes keep secrets or even lie, rather than take a chance of people disliking me. I hate that about myself.  (60.) After a lifetime of perfect vision I now wear reading glasses and am miserable about it.

(61.) I flunked Personal Health & Weight Control, a college level health course. I was thrilled to discover in that class that I really do have big bones!  (62.) I met Robin Williams & he dissed me completely.  (63.) I am not a concert person but I love Broadway shows. My favorite was Rent, closely followed by Smokey Joe’s Cafe.  (64.) I have hearing loss in both ears & it’s a hideous pain in the ass.  (65.) I am a reality TV junkie & not even slightly embarrassed about it.

(66.) On a road trip in CA I took a pee break on asphalt & accidentally peed in my own eye when it splashed upwards. My eye turned bright red.  (67.) My uncle is the most interesting person I know.  He will talk to anyone.  The world would be such a better place if more people were like him.  (68.) My father’s nickname was PeeWee (even worse, his given name was Floyd Maynard!).  (69.) I am the oldest. I have one sister, 14 months younger, and a brother 4 years younger.  He died 8/26/08.  The last time we were together I called my mother a c*nt (in defense of her attack on my sister). He never loved me more.  His quote: “You put me back at the top of the list!” followed by a belly laugh, repeated over and over again.  (70.) I’ve broken a toe twice, once kicking a diving board and once trying to kick my sister in a grocery store.

(71.) I was married in Vegas at the Graceland Chapel with Elvis.  (72.) I question the joy of Disney.  (73.) I’ve been to Tijuana but didn’t enjoy that either.  (74.) I’ve driven cross country at least three times, once getting a flat tire in a hatchback, having to empty the entire trunk onto the snowy road in the dark.  My son was 3 months old & with me at the time. Not cool.  (75.) I went skiing once, reached the top of the mountain and saw a lone ski careening wildly downhill.  It was mine.

(76.) Went camping on a deserted beach with a bunch of girls in college and after we told scary stories we had to get in the car and drive back to the dorm.  (77.) I grew up in a town with no Jewish people & still don’t understand those stereotypes. My maiden name is all over the walls at the Holocaust Museum & I wonder about my ancestry. (78.) I have had my car towed many times & have had a boot put on my tire. (79.) I went to traffic court and had the most tickets of anyone in the San Francisco courtroom.  (80.) I’ve dated drug addicts, but never an alcoholic. I can’t stand the smell. Both suck.

(81.) I did not wear underpants to Kindergarten once, lifted my dress to show a girl my ass, and had to be taken home by the principal’s secretary to get panties.  (82.) I nursed my two children for nearly five years total & feel very lucky for the experience.  I am a baby fanatic, a crazed mama bear.  (83.) I am happy my ears are small, same with my boobs (relatively).  (84.) I knew I loved my husband before I ever saw  his face, just from the silhouette of his back.  We met in a bowling alley.  (85.) Both my father and my son’s father died at the age of 33.  I’m left with tremendous fear regarding the death of loved ones.

(86.) I liked group therapy because I got off on being mean to the other members in the name of honesty.  (87.) I’ve had lots of gross dreams about toilets & poop.  (88.) The fact that my daughter copies everything I do & utterly adores me scares the crap out of me.  (89.) I moved to NJ so my son would be near his father’s family. Now I know they’re all completely nuts.  (90.) If I won the lottery I would love giving money away, but only to those who didn’t ask for it. It’s a quirk.

(91.) I have lied to every employer I ever had, making up stories to skip work, broken bones & dead relatives. 92. I like rainy days way more than sunny, hot days.  (93.) My mother & sister both love animals more than people. I don’t get it.  (94.) I live through my children too much, but I’m getting better. (95.) I once shooed a cat away from my car, it ran into the road and was hit by a taxi.  When I called my girlfriend hysterical with the cat at the end of my driveway, she began to laugh uncontrollably.

(96.) I detest being licked by dogs.  (97.) I’ve had many jobs, including Mall Easter Bunny & selling frozen meat from the back of a truck.  (98.) I walked out on a waitressing job with customers at my tables, telling no one.  (99.) My mother married a man with 3 kids when I was 7. I’d never met the guy. We were a highly dysfunctional Brady Bunch. Today I love those kids dearly.  (100.) I lost a gallon of milk in the recesses of my car trunk one summer & it exploded, a worse mess than you can imagine (think flies & maggots).

(101.) I am always surprised when I remember the crazy things I’ve lived through.  It gives me hope for the future!