My (Twisted & Revised) Bucket List

This was updated on 3/11/09.  Updates are italicized, for the most part . . . 

We went and saw The Bucket List last week.  It was devastating to accept the idea that one day I will have used up all my opportunities to do it better next time.  Especially since I’ve never even really tried to do anything all that well.  F*ck!  I’m blowing it!

It was like having a brick hit me in the face, without the contusions.  Evidently a psychological brick.  The kind of brick a pint of ice cream could make me forget and I wouldn’t wake up with a black eye.

So now I want my own list: 50 things to do before I kick the bucket.

1.) I want to hear my kids say, “Mom used to yell, but she stopped doing that a long time ago.”  Preferably this would not be due to Alzheimer’s. 

2.) I would like to die with at least one hidden hickey (on my husband’s neck just above the shoulder blade).  Unless he’s willing to clean his tongue really well & get rid of the phlegm smell, in which case he can do me, too.

3.) One world cruise, a summer spent in Alaska, a trip to Crater Lake, Oregon.  With a computer and a big screen nearby at all times, plus a recliner.

4.) Ram a car driven by an inconsiderate driver.  This is only if I cannot figure out how to gain the powers of Carrie & set cars on fire with my mind.

5.) Tell D. she’s utterly selfish & ridiculous, just once.  F*ck that!  I want to be honest with everyone I know!

6.) Travel the length of Canada.  Preferably in my own personal helicopter.

7.) Get an anklet tattoo with the names of my children & husband, a hanging cross on my foot, just on the off chance that there is someone somewhere who doesn’t know I come from a white trash background.

8.) A daughter-in-law who cries at my funeral for a reason other than that I spent all of my own money.

9.) Life-long mutual adoration with my independent & self-sufficient daughter.  Then, when I croak, I hope she never ever cries & I can hang out as a visible personal angel, except when she’s in naked circumstance.

10.) Twenty years with grandchildren who I spoil beyond repair with comic books & vacations.

11.) Be with my husband forever/always, even as other men continue to want me desperately!

12.) Another Volkswagen convertible, this time with a pink & purple daisy on the door & ejector button for those times when a passenger pisses me off.

13.) Purple hair at 70, pink stripes at 80.  Plus a jet pack.

14.) Volunteer when appropriate.  I’m not sure for what.  Definitely not Girl Scouts or PTO.  Oh, I know, QUEEN!  I don’t even believe all the crap about hungry people.  I have yet to see a single hungry person who didn’t look like they’d prefer a bottle over a burger.  Where do people come up with this sh*t?!

15.) See thin again (I know, I’m so gross).  F*ck it!  I’m thin enough & starting to wrinkle!

16.) NY Times bestseller list (trite as it may be).  Fuck the NY Times!  Oprah, too, while I’m at it.

17.) Play craps with $5,000 in my pocket, screaming like a banshee.  Change my mind, make it $50,000.

18.) Return to Vegas, several times.  On second thought, have a permanent room at the Bellagio with a view of the fountains & no bedbugs.

19.) Attend a book-signing with Augusten Burroughs.  Meet Augusten Burroughs.  Blush when he tells me the adoration is mutual.

20.) Attend another Maury Povich taping or three.  Scream at creepy boyfriends who refuse parentage & call ex-girlfriends whores.  Punch one in the face & break his nose.

21.) Blow off all holidays for an entire year.  On second thought, I’ll be satisfied with leaving our Christmas tree up all year long, which we’re currently doing.  My daughter will hate me, otherwise.

22.) Send a birthday card to everyone I know (get organized enough to do so).  Solution: Send them out in a single bunch, like Christmas cards.  Going to the Post Office sucks. 

23.) Make enough money to be able to give away a bunch.  What the hell was I thinking here?  Everyone who wants to borrow money from us is a jackass who deserves squat.  Changing this to “Win the lottery and give money to total strangers & people I like.”

24.) Be ridiculously affectionate toward my husband 365 times in a single year.  Already do this one!

25.) Give my children totally outrageous gifts just for fun.  Already do this one!

26.) See 50 more Broadway shows.

27.) Attend a 5-day retreat with Geneen Roth.  Changed my mind.  She’s a little too full of herself.  I’d rather spend 5 days with Trace Atkins, naked.

28.) Stretch & walk, walk & stretch.  WTF???  I must have been high when I wrote this sh*t.

29.) Be a listener.  I listen plenty, I even ask questions!   I wish just one motherf*cker was as interested in me as I am in other people!   

30.) Refuse to listen to blow-hards.  Leaving this one, it’s a daily process.  I need to find more creative ways to be rude about it.

31.) Perfect a craft & sell at craft fairs.  ROFL!  Which one of my many personalities was in charge when I created this page?

32.) Speak to strangers with no concern for a response.  If they don’t respond, spit.

33.) See all of America’s National Parks & go whitewater rafting in the Grand Canyon.  Without drowning or being eaten by a frigging bear.

34.) Develop my eccentricities & quirks, wear long skirts and hippie clothing.  Okay, so it was hallucinogenics I ingested. 

35.) Learn to love eating healthy & turn my nose up to powdered sugar donuts.  That’ll be the f*cking day!!!  Maybe I’ll also fart & fly to the moon.

36.) Regularly play games with my daughter.  Actual games, not head games.  ROFL!!!  I’d have to smoke dope to make this happen.

37.) Learn to be totally honest even when it pisses people off.  One of the few goals here worth pursuing.

38.) Learn PhotoShop.  Put all photos on computer & in scrapbooks.

39.) Random acts of appreciation & kindness.  Take prepared food to B. at school, cookies & baked ziti.  Put cards in the mail weekly.  It would appear I missed out on this.  He’s no longer in school.  Typical.

40.) Actually use the kiln I made my husband buy six months three years ago.

41.) Go snow tubing.  Preferably at a temperature of no less than 50 degrees.  Comfort counts.

42.) Buy Great Adventure passes and actually use them plus attend concerts.  This is a really stupid goal.  I’d rather have relations with a cute naked dwarf.

43.) Join or form a book club.  A person could die of boredom from this list.

44.) Cook 30 meals in 30 days.  And then do it again.  Why would I do this?  All the meals would suck!  Did I hate my family when I wrote this?  What had they done to me?

45.) Regularly take interesting classes.  I will sign up for classes in the future only if I’m allowed to pummel any teachers who bore me by reading material from an outline or promoting themselves as an expert when I know as much or more than they do.

46.) Record all my food for 90 days & figure out what would energize me more.  F*ck that.  Don’t eat like a pig.

47.) Take a dance class so my husband and I don’t look like two teenagers mauling one another.  Learn to two-step, buy a hot pair of boots, dance with studly cowboys in bars.  Husband will join me if he’s smart, which he is.

48.) Die with beautiful teeth.  Better yet, live with beautiful teeth & fuck death.

49.) Visit the library weekly.  Barnes & Noble, too.  Find a way to make millions so I can read clean books, no more dirty used books.

50.) See more movies, read more books.  Attempt not to overdose on movies & books.

 Any other suggestions you think I should add?  One addition: No Regrets! 

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