Twisted Family Antics

I’ve recently set my DVR to record the Dr. Phil show.  Rather amazingly, I can watch an hour length program in 30 minutes or less.  Often, I erase the whole thing before even bothering to attempt interest.  He’s had some really cheesy crap on recently.  Of course I realize he’s always been cheesy.  But it used to be more entertaining.

Friday my husband and I sat down to watch a few recorded items and came across one that said, “Sex, sex, sex.  This is not appropriate for children!”  So of course I was intrigued.

There were people who had sex five times a day and a woman who chased her husband around the house like he had big wads of cash in his pants.  Neither of the two females in these particular segments was what I’d call particularly attractive.  And neither were their men.  Just idiots who were so impressed with themselves for being hyper-sexed that they wanted to inform a national audience.

But the fascinating chick was the icy blonde who stated she hasn’t had an orgasm since a specifically stated date in 1998.  In detail she noted that it was achieved through oral stimulation, took 45 minutes and she believed it was too much trouble to bother another attempt.

First thought: Too much information, yet too little, all at the same time!

She and her husband have not had sex in over a year and she says she’s afraid he’s going to leave her.  Meanwhile, I’m wondering what she could do that would make it more clear that she wants him gone?  Chop at his penis with a hatchet?

Somehow they have two children.  She uses the old excuse about the kids waking up, which I think means you’re looking for an 18-year pass instead of bothering with sporadic headache issues.

Where’s the commercial from Home Depot that conveniently mentions they sell door locks for $1.35?

I do understand what she’s saying.  I totally agree with her on the 45-minute issue.  He probably could barely use his tongue and had to slurp soup for the next week, was speaking with a lisp; she was chafed and wishing she had a good book surreptitiously displayed on the ceiling.

But to give up completely?  On everything?  Maybe I’m too much of a people pleaser, but I would have to give in to the incessant, passive-aggressive, poor me, begging & whining after maybe three weeks.  Not to mention we would no longer have a clean dish in this house.

Such a thoughtful girl, she buys her husband Playboy magazines so he can entertain himself.  Ack!

I am a questioning fool.  I love to ask people stuff, the more inappropriate the better.  Yet Dr. Phil sat during this interview with his mouth hanging open and no sound coming out. There were so many things to ask:

Did you write the date down on a calendar?  How do you remember a specific date of orgasm that occurred 10 years ago?

That information was so completely necessary, yet he didn’t ask the question.

I was screaming: “Ask her if she ever gave him oral!”  He did not.  “Does she touch him at all?!”

I had so many questions for this chick.  And for the guy who’s been married to her for 10 years.  He must feel like such a failure!  “I was so bad at performing cunnilingus that my wife has been turned off to sex forever!”  She just completely refuses to give him a second chance.

What could he have done that was so incredibly awful?  Did he poke her with a stick?

Her face was set in stone.  This guy must still be psychologically trying to please his mother, who was never happy a day in her life.

It was the most unsatisfactory interview in the history of all subjects interviewed. 

We learned that the couple who does it five times a day have done it on the floor, in the chair, on the couch, in the bed, on the table, in the shower, during baths.   It was like a Dr. Seuss interview.  I would never, ever want to eat dinner at their home.  And he told them they’re completely normal, with a big ass smirk on his face. 

The woman who is obsessed with getting her husband’s pants off climbed into his gurney in the ER and had sex with him immediately after he’d had a heart attack.  Obviously, she wants him dead.  And he’s an idiot.

The smartest guy of all sent his fiancee but refused to be on the show himself.  Bravo to you, young man.

But I am still thinking about Ms. 1998.  Dr. Phil, you really let me down.

Anybody else see this show?