Twisted Family Antics

1.) I am the most annoying person I know, relatively unreliable and unpredictable.  My bad attitude gets in the way of most everything other than eating boxes of chocolate cupcakes and holding down chairs, waiting for the world to change.  I wouldn’t live with myself if I had a choice.

2.) I once allowed a woman to move into our house for a short period of time.  One day that warm spring I began yelling to my husband, “What is that smell?  Do we have fish in the house?”  He kept trying to downplay my concern.  I was crazed over the smell & kept yelling about fish. 

The woman needed a ride somewhere, so we left in the car.  The fish smell went with me.  My husband wanted to beat me with a stick.  He knew where the smell was coming from, all along.  I think he might have actually called me a dumbass, and he doesn’t even curse, ever.

3.) I describe myself as a person who likes to travel, but as soon as I get into a car I want the trip to be over.  Just an example of what a contrary bitch I am, even in my own head.

4.)  When I was a teenager I found out that my aunt, a teacher, had a girl in her class named Ovary.  This stays in my mind even when I cannot remember my own name.  I am also fascinated by the names Doctor and Fallopian Tube.

5.) I tried being one of those people who cuts themselves.  But I could never fully commit and only used serrated butter knives.  I’m totally serious.

6.) I attempted to seduce a dude who was a paranoid schizophrenic.  He seemed pretty normal to me, other than for the fact that I lost him in the grocery store and found him hiding in the dairy section, unable to move.  And then, of course, when he lit his clothes on fire in his dryer and had to be taken away by ambulance.  Said seduction was never consummated.

7.) My ex-boyfriend once locked me in a motel bathroom and would not let me out until I apologized for laughing at him and making fun of the fact that I heard him masturbating in the middle of the night.  We were on vacation and sleeping in separate beds.  He was really mean and very mad.  Not a good scene.

8.) I have been in a car with a girl who drove directly into the side of a pizza truck while changing her sweater, I’ve spun a full 360 hydroplaning on a wet road, and a 180 in snow & ice while swerving to miss a rabbit.  But I’m most embarrassed about hitting the side of the car wash.

9.) When I was 14 my step-father got an inkling that I was allowing my boyfriend to stay overnight in my bed, since he thought he heard him cough during the night.  He told me I had to run to the grocery for him, with the intention of catching the boyfriend in my room while I was gone.  So I hid him in my sister’s room, then left.  The boy told me that the minute I left the house he heard pounding feet on the stairway, running full speed ahead, then silence when my room was empty.

10.) When I was working in NYC, and dating a guy in my office, we got pretty drunk at the Christmas party.  He walked me to the train station, where we proceeded to make out near the big information sign.  A police officer approached us and said he would arrest us for lewd and lascivious behavior if we didn’t stop.  I left on a train that stopped in the middle of nowhere and had to spend $80 for a cab ride home.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe I’m the same person that did all this stupid shit.  And then I remember that three of them are current day . . .