Lesbian Homeschoolers!

I feel like dancing.

Why am I happy?  Well, we have a playdate tomorrow with . . .

. . . a lesbian couple & their twin daughters!

When I invited them over I didn’t even realize the extraneous circumstances.  I was so afraid the original woman I talked to might be “normal”!  Or even worse, better than normal, one of those Martha Stewart types who would notice the peeling wallpaper our rabbit gnawed on or the chewed up wood around a few of the windows, courtesy of the dog that lived here with the last owners.

I invited her directly from a Yahoo website.  This is how desperate I am to make sure my daughter’s social experience is phantasmagorical.  Total strangers!  As I put our address in the e-mail I had visions of Squeaky Fromme, Manson’s sidekick.  But she sounded nice.  She knows people I know.

Notice I was more worried about Martha than Squeaky?

I had to call her tonight to confirm everything.  Another woman answered the phone.  And then I heard, “Can I bring my partner?”  I had to bite my tongue not to say, “Oh my God, you’re lesbians?!  That’s fantastic!”

Anyway, finally I meet normal alternative lifestyle peeps.  It’s not like we don’t have friends.  One of my favorite people gave my daughter two henna tattoos & a strip of purple hair tonight.  You can’t get better than that, really.  And through her I met the friend that regularly entertains me on a weekly basis & was willing to float down a river while screaming at her children “Dodge the lightning!  It’s behind you!”

But I’ve been concerned that our pool has been sitting empty all summer as we run from place to place.  I wanted to have social activities at our own home occasionally.  And it wasn’t happening.  So I put myself out there & offered an “open playdate.”  One of the few people who responded has 10 children.  I even bit the bullet and said, “Bring them.”  She never responded again.  Are you fucking kidding me?  Perhaps she realized that I am not a Bible beater.  I treat my Bible kindly, thank you very much.   

You may be thinking, “But Pam, you don’t live an alternative lifestyle.”  Well, yes, I do.  I may look normal on the outside, but I live my life entirely inside my head and it’s often a dangerous mess in here.  Some days I wake up & immediately begin trying to chant positive affirmations because I feel like I’m about to fall off a cliff at any moment.

I tried all the “Anonymous” meetings.  I met such incredible assholes in those rooms!  I’ve searched round the world for the group that’s called “Adult Child of a Fucking Maniac,” but never found it.  So the closest I get to comfortable is spending time with people who are a tiny bit left of center, off the beaten path.

Public school was full of people pretending to be normal.  Even the children are forced to show only their rigid little fake smiles to one another.  Homeschooling is a whole different bag.  If I have to read one more missive from some bitch who claims she’s got the 4-1-1 on Jesus and can school me in His love, as if I don’t have my own established belief system, I will choke myself with a thorny bush.

You don’t think they’re lesbians of the Christian right variety, do you?  I will be utterly disappointed and forced to drown myself in a Valium cocktail if that’s the case.

My least favorite homeschooling chick has begun signing off with a signature line that follows all 47 of her weekly e-mails.  I shouldn’t say “line,” as it’s more like a paragraph.  Here goes:

“Praising Him Joyfully, 

“Nobody can make you feel inferior unless you give them permission.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. “

-Helen Keller”

Now, honest to God, I realize the above lines are not bad in any way, shape or form.  It’s only when you repeat them ad nauseum that I want to rip your limbs off.  Endless e-mails about vacation bible school, each with the above lines attached, as if she’s my fucking teacher.  Yes, she’s schooling me in the art of life.

So, since I’m such a picky bitch, I submit to you my 

Peeps Wish List . . .

God, grant me the ability to find more lesbians in the homeschooling arena, perhaps a few midgets, a dwarf & a piano-playing gay man.  Send me a couple of relaxed bitches who had a fucked up childhood for interesting conversation . . .

Follow it up with three OCD pals who are over the top when it comes to protecting their children from the plague & natural disasters (perhaps Christie Brinkley, she of the stockpiled gas masks & multiple defibrillators) . . . 

In addition, I boldly ask that they all laugh at my jokes & their children be willing to play endless rounds of hide-’n-seek with my controlling daughter.  I would be happy to include chicks with an occasional chin hair & one arm shorter than the other, heavy-duty pubes (none left in the pool, please), maybe a pet monkey, even a weeble-like figure . . .

We’re not looking for bikinis here, necessarily, although I am the first to love a big heavy ass in a tight brightly-colored thong (male OR female variety) . . .

Please make them comfortable people, one or two who watch reality TV & can chat with me for hours over the latest idiocy on Big Brother or I Love Money.  Gourmet cooks need to be willing to bring their own food, as do those with children who eat from less than two food groups.  I can only take so much. . .

Add in one goofy guy willing to drink beer & play horseshoes with my husband, especially if he has a son or daughter who loves Youtube videos, bunnies, the Jonas Brothers & making cookie cakes.

* * * * *

My wish list is now complete.

We’ve got a playdate with homeschooling lesbians, a very good beginning.  God help me if they start quoting Eleanor Roosevelt or Helen Keller, in which case I may purposely hit my head on the edge of the pool.

If they watch reality TV I will dance a jig on the diving board & pictures will be included in the next post.