I Finally Find An Issue Worth Standing Up For
October 14, 2008
I am as honest on this blog as I know how to be, but not so much face to face. Is anyone? I have no idea, but I’m taking a poll.
I don’t argue with acquaintances, rarely with friends. In real life you will never know all of my thoughts on any subject because I am a chameleon and
I WANT YOU TO LIKE ME!
I DON’T WANT YOU TO BE ANGRY WITH ME!
I AM A PUSSY!
A lot of the time I really can see valid points on both sides of any issue. It’s a handicap. I need a placard.
It’s also not any way to develop real friendships. You can never get below the surface with someone who only reflects your self back like a mirror.
Amazingly, though, I found my voice last month at a Mom’s Night Out for our local heathen homeschooling group. I know you’re wondering . . .
Politics? Religion? Abortion? The War? My Family’s Honor?
Obviously it had to be something I felt very strongly about if I was willing to put myself on the line.
* * * * *
I was so happily surprised when one of the other women decided to completely spill her shit. She mentioned very lackadaisically that she’d been addicted to every drug under the sun, that Ecstasy was the most difficult to get away from because her supplier was so great that he sent her bags full, enough to spike the glasses of everyone else in any bar she was working in.
Some might see this as a negative, might be edging their chair away from this woman. I was thinking, “I’ve found my mentor! I have a hero!” I wanted to cross the patio, sit at her feet & wash them. (Her feet weren’t dirty, but I think you know what I mean.)
Today this woman is a multi-talented artist, a homeowner, a mother & her fashion choices are totally kick ass. She’s beyond interesting, willing to talk about it, no shame. Plus, a thin non-smoker. I mean, DAMN GIRL! You my dawg! I’d be willing to believe her daughter was conceived by immaculate conception at this point!
More lips loosened. I was fascinated to find out that one of the other moms has what’s called a “hood ornament,” a clitoral piercing which her husband personally performed years before they had all four of their beautiful children. I never even knew I had a hood! I guess they leave out some details in midwestern health classes.
Clearly, I’d finally found my homies.
* * * * *
Then it happened. A subject I could not be quieted on, was willing to argue about, even fight for:
The Jonas Brothers
My fellow homeschooling mommy said something like, “They’re awful! Musically, any real artist knows they suck!”
I just couldn’t stand there and hear the boys knocked like that. My heart cracked and I spoke up.
I thought I didn’t like them, too, back in the beginning. But their high energy songs are great to clean house to. I can understand the words.
And Nick is really cute. (Don’t tell my daughter I said that.)
* * * * *
So, finally I find a group of chicks I could talk about anything with and what happens? This is the subject I take on? Can you imagine, I remember this single tiny statement a month after it happened, in a place where Ecstasy and clits are being discussed?
This is how seldom I am willing to disagree in earnest. This is how fearful I am of allowing people to see me, to judge me, to know me. Not the blustery chick who talks shit about her family, just me.
Around (what for me are) normal people, with crazy past lives & stories they’re willing to share, I also lose my urge to stand out in a crowd & say obnoxious things for shock value. I’m not so bored that I need to blow anyone’s mind.
Finding your place in this world is not an easy thing.
* * * * *
And that is why I so appreciate all of you who take time to comment on this blog, to slog through my verbose shit & make me feel less alone. Thank you.
October 14, 2008 at 5:50 pm
Ahhhh, candor at its finest in that last half of a sentence. And I think that is why you sooooo love to hear other people’s shit, especially in person, whether listening from the next booth or them telling you face to face. Because the hell hole you grew up in made you feel so alone, when you find others who have screwed up in the past (especially if they seem ‘normal’ now) it gives you hope and does make you feel less alone. I know you have mentioned aspects of this realization before.
Yes, some people DO tell the truth in person, even if it makes others feel uncomfortable. But I try to do it in a respectful, “this is my point of view” way. And I am in no way attached to them agreeing with me or not. Doesn’t matter, it’s MY view point. And I never argue with them about it, just state my views, and give my reasons why. They can feel however they want to themselves. I think there are a lot of things out there that there just isn’t one ‘right’ way to be or feel about it.
I have chased off many people though, who didn’t care for my ‘blunt manner of speaking’ and cutting right to the truth of things, from my view anyway. I have realized most people want to just keep doing what they are doing, and not really ’see’ themselves, or ‘get it’ that if they wonder why their life is so screwed up, they should look in the mirror.
And with that realization has come a more quieter ‘me’, because while I am still willing to ‘tell the truth’ I have realized it isn’t necessary to share ‘everything’ I feel or see. Often times I actually wait for someone to ask my opinion before I say anything! Can you imagine! LOL! YOU are the first person in a while that I let myself give my unrequested opinion…..and I am certain it was the blogging atmosphere that encouraged me.
You know someone was telling me today about a homeless guy in Ft. Lauderdale, who was diving into garbage bins and practically naked, etc. Someone from the church nearby got him cleaned up, took him to the doctor and found out he had been off his meds. A month later she saw him sitting in church, looking normal and happy, and seemingly doing well. She saw him again recently and he was back to being homeless and trash-diving. Off his meds again, and doing his thing. Apparently, when he is on meds, he no longer hears the voices in his head, and they have been with him so long, that he used to them and is lonely without them.
No it isn’t easy finding your place in the world, but you already survived not hearing the voices…..the nasty one of your mother is almost done with its squawking. Give it time, love Pam….you will find your way……you love those kids way too much not to.
Now there….how is that for my ‘inner self’ coming out again?
This was a great one — you got it exactly!
October 14, 2008 at 10:16 pm
I am not really sure about a “hood”. Ask them if “we” have hoods too? Come to think of it, maybe we could give you questions to ask them for us?
I am not sure that I ahve heard a Jonas Brothers song. They won’t be “hip” when my kids get to that point. Somehow my four year old daughter knows “Hannah Montana” when she sees her…she had me beat!
Well, Nick used to be Hannah Montana’s boyfriend:) So your daughter may know more than you realize!
And no, you definitely don’t have a hood!
October 14, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Perhaps you didn’t have anything to add on the subjects of Ecstacy and piercings (two things *I* never expected to put in one sentence)?
…and you know what my man says… “please don’t dominate the rap, Jack, if you got nothing new to say”… but on the subject of your boys, you spoke out!
I long ago decided that everyone is entitled to their own musical tastes, as mine have changed so much. I used to make fun of lots of folks that I really like now. I am less shy about admitting that.
But in general, I can’t stand to not speak out when I disagree, but I’m shy, so I avoid people I might disagree with, and I have hardly any friends. This is the gosh darned truth.
(ZOMG that Smiths song (btw I HATE THE SMITHS) about shyness just came on http://www.radioparadise.com
That’s a double whammy coincidence, how does he keep doing that???)
The best part is that the piercing belongs to a chick who most people would NEVER expect it from, like she’s been involved in politics and religion from a leadership role — lol. But I think exactly what you said is my issue — for a lot of my life I hung out only with the person who was my love interest at the time (read “sex partner”). Then when that relationship goes by the wayside you’re left alone with your memories & no friends. Now that I have girlfriends I don’t want to lose them. But it’s a fine line to be yourself, yet not be a bitch — perhaps I’m just really a bitch & so I have to hide my true self? Hmm, you may be on to something . . .
October 15, 2008 at 9:12 am
I’ve noticed this about the people-pleaser personality types. They feel safe speaking up about something inconsequential (like a music group), but can’t do it when it’s something that matters. My friend Melissa is a classic example of this. She allows people to walk all over her, does things she doesn’t want to simply because she can’t say no when she should, and will then do things like bring a can of soda into an event that has signs stating “no outside food or beverages please” and not even try to hide it.
Her true personality shining out sideways . . . God, I hate even the words “people pleaser,” yet sometimes it does apply.
October 15, 2008 at 10:21 am
Great blog!! I just didn’t see you as a shy, people-pleaser!! Hahahah!!! Go figure! I certainly feel I learned some important insight into you, my friend..all GOOD!
I don’t generally challenge people either but only because I feel it’s usually a waste of my time and I get tired of hearing my own voice so I just shut up. I just don’t care enough to expend the energy!
As for the Jonas Brothers….uh, I got nothin’. I guess I’m outa the loop on pop music.
Yeah, not exactly a shy, people pleaser – I think maybe I didn’t explain it very well! It’s more about knowing I’m not being true to myself when I choose wanting people to like me over telling the truth. Thanks so much for commenting, Trisha:)
October 15, 2008 at 11:17 am
Why do people always aspire to be someone they are not? I don’t think there is a perfect way to act in a social setting. Some people are assertive, some are quiet, some speak only about issues dear to their heart (the Jonas Brothers?!?!) That’s what makes us interesting.
If we were all talking non-stop about ourselves, our drug use, and our piercings, I surmise it would get old quite quickly. Embrace your pussyness! Sitting on the fence ain’t that bad!
If you are reticent to allow people to come close, that’s the problem you need to work on. The social assertiveness or lack thereof is just a consequence. You don’t cure the cause by working on the consequence.
I’m quite sure you must be a very likable person without even trying. Perhaps if you could convince yourself of that, that would be part of winning the battle.
And this was the nathaliewithanh pseudo psych 10 cents (for what it’s worth and these last few weeks, it has not been worth much.)
I think I’m writing an entire entry in response to this. You’re very helpful as far as my occasional writing block goes. Thanks!
October 15, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Can I please come and play with all of you? I’m still not in my zone here.
Any day of the year. We even have an empty bedroom:)
October 16, 2008 at 10:21 am
This reminds me of a quote from Dr. Suess:
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
I love the quote but can’t always follow it.
Oh, I love Dr. Seuss. My e-mail is pamela j i am — like Ham I Am. I wanted Pam I Am but it was taken. No one ever understands the freaking thing!
October 16, 2008 at 12:27 pm
I like Nathalie’s line, “Embrace your pussyness!” SO many connotations to that one…..and maybe a movement we need to start within all our chick-friends. Sell T-shirts, bumper stickers, and maybe even have someone guest on Oprah about the whole new movement and all.
Even if that is totally NOT the way it was referred to here. What the hell?! You and me could be the spokespeople, and we could go on her show and you could totally get over your ’shy-self’ of wanting people to like you, by being a total bitch to Oprah?? Whaddya think?
I think you’ve got the perfect plan here. The chicks in the audience would go wild until we started dissing Oprah. They might kick our asses right there on screen!
October 16, 2008 at 12:41 pm
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=hood
See definition 1, number 4.
So ANYway…. how do you know if MTAE has one?
MTAE is one of the least pussy-fied guys I know – lol. He is NOT packing a hood, no way, no how:) This is a dude who could carry a missile up a mountain with a single hand, while keeping track of his running time on a stopwatch in the other:)
October 16, 2008 at 12:47 pm
Hey wait a minute: “perhaps I’m just really a bitch & so I have to hide my true self? Hmm, you may be on to something”
I never said anything like THAT!!! LOL You are too funny.
I do think everyone has to bite their tongue on evil thoughts from time to time. Unless it’s just me and you
I actually like the idea that I’m such an evil bitch I have to keep my thoughts private — it feels more powerful than just thinking I’m a big fat pussy!
But I know you’re right, as usual:) Except when you move to Utah – lololol.
October 16, 2008 at 10:47 pm
Well, I say exactly what I think if it’s worth my effort or if you ask me directly. Sometimes it’s just better to listen.
When I grow this is how I want to be:) The problem with just listening is sometimes I start wondering why I’m listening to some asshole, why do they think their words are important enough to flow from their mouth & I don’t feel that way about myself? Of course, I don’t want to be the asshole, either.
October 17, 2008 at 12:28 am
Great post.
I love it when I find out somebody is something totally different than how I’ve pegged them. It keeps me interested in getting to know people because I’ve found that everyone has a story to tell and nobody’s got it as easy as it seems.
I don’t think you’re a pussy for not blurting out your dissenting opinion – you don’t have to always be heard, you just have to be true to yourself. It sounds like you are not one to let that go. I love your stories…
Thanks, Karmen! I agree with your statement about finding out somebody is totally different than the way you’d figured them — like for instance so often the best looking people are so completely not the most interesting — sometimes I’ll blow somebody off and then later discover what a stupid mistake that was — the hard part is remembering that fact.
October 17, 2008 at 2:35 am
Im a people-pleaser.
And a quiet one at that. Though I’m getting louder and meaner, as the Mister says.
You’re not alone, Pam . . never.
Oh man, when I think about how I was at 30 — oh my goodness. I am SO MUCH louder and meaner now. It’s those things where people treat your kids like shit or ignore you that help your BIG BITCH personality meet its’ full potential!
October 17, 2008 at 2:20 pm
I was *talking* about the definition that said “foreskin” and was *wondering* if you’d checked MTAE’s circumcision status…?
I know you’re just trying to get me to say “foreskin”.
Do people pierce those?
October 17, 2008 at 5:32 pm
LOLOLOLOL…..I Knew what your were talking about amandalinn! But I Do love it that she did get you to say foreskin…..you made me LMAO when you asked Pam the question about how she knew if MTAE didn’t have a hood! Obviously, she didn’t check out the definitions like some of us……and now I am thinking, poor MTAE….here we are discussing his penis and hey….are we allowed to say that?
October 17, 2008 at 5:33 pm
See…..sometimes I like to just say things for their ’shock’ value! LOL, sorry Pam. I should have more manners on your blog!
October 17, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Hahaha soapboxdiva, I got you to say “penis!”
October 17, 2008 at 6:17 pm
[...] Most people would laugh at a description of me as shy & retiring. Yet the comments on “I Finally Find An Issue Worth Standing Up For” made it clear I gave that impression. I need further resolution on this subject, maybe just for [...]
October 25, 2008 at 12:39 am
I’m here, and I’m reading, but being so far behind comments are few and far in between.
Still love ya. 
Oh man, I’m in the same boat you’re in! But what a sweet comment. You’re good for at least a whole month:) XO