Reasonable Resolutions ~ No More Maggots

(POSSIBLY INAPPROPRIATE FOR A WORK ENVIRONMENT)

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THIRTY FREAKING YEARS OF FAILED RESOLUTIONS CONDENSED:

Eat right!  Fruit, vegetables, protein (fiber added after 40)!

No cursing or screaming, well-modulated voice, don’t be a bitch! 

Diet plan: “No sugar, no flour.  Weigh 142 by June 16th!”

1982, 1984, 1987, 1991, 1995, 1999, 2001, 2005, 2007

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On January 1st, 2008 I published REASONABLE RESOLUTIONS FOR 2008.  I’m overdue for a review.

I will not be writing new resolutions for 2009.

At this rate, these should last another 50 years.

(Updates are written in bold italics!)

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1.) I will continue to avoid all dutiful obligations of a wife and mother until it is absolutely imperative that I perform (i.e. cooking, cleaning, playdates), as I profess a profound love for my family.

No doubt I’m following through.

My husband shrunk a “dry clean only” sweater I tried to wear this morning (laundry incident #2 this week).  I called him at his high-stress important job, let the phone ring eight times  & called him a mother-f’ing Pennsylvania hick.  There was maybe some off the wall comment about his poor grammar, too, but detailed memory & black rage are incompatible.

He was not angry when I called later to apologize, so I said nothing when he forgot two chicken breasts in the oven this evening (for 3 hours) after working a full day at the office.  I am thoughtful like that. 

During a conversation with my daughter today, as she tried to speak from her heart, I told her to please use her finger to comb her eyebrows.  I can’t think until each tiny hair is aligned perfectly.  As she continues to ramble on about something or other I wonder how long before I can have her waxed, wonder who I can trust.  I think, “I am mentally deranged.”

Last week she fell asleep on the couch at the pseudo-in-laws, so afterwards I told her she drooled & snored, then her head fell on someone’s shoulder.  She kept asking “REALLY?!”  Saying, “NO, I DID NOT!”  I kept doing imitations and thinking of more hideous possibilities.  It was her fault for getting so excited, cause that totally egged me on.

Check.

Hey, at least I didn’t do THIS!

2.) I will keep my ass shaved to the point that it will not hide dingleberries in the bush, my underarm hair at no more than one-quarter inch.

Not really an issue, I am more like a hairless cat every day.  The problem is I hate hairless cats.  I will commit suicide if I ever remind myself of one of those hairless dogs with a crest on top of my head.

3.) I will refuse any and all sexual advances from strangers who find me incredibly fascinating, no matter how badly they beg or plead for my attentions.  I will continue to protect my “Exit/No Entry Zone” at all costs.

I was only approached by two strange men this past year, both at my brother’s funeral, one with quite a large beer belly plus a heart condition.  Both appeared to find me intoxicating & that’s a trait I’d like to whole-heartedly endorse, even under such tacky circumstance.  Show me adoration & you can capture my attention for at least 12 days while I pretend your buddha belly is a magic 8-ball instead of impacted feces. 

I’m not into perfection. 

(If I wasn’t married, I mean.  The dude I sometimes call “MO” or occasionally “BABY JESUS” has enthralled me for 15 years, which means he’s more magical than the spawn of David Blaine & Sylvia Browne.)

I have most certainly protected my Exit/No Entry Zone, other than that damned hemorrhoidectomy.  In that singular instance my direction was “FULL SPEED AHEAD” before losing consciousness. 

4.) I will never watch television for more than fourteen hours in a single day.  I will uphold the standards of all in-bred midwestern white trash as I avoid anything educational unless it relates to bi-sexuals like Tila Tequila or naked dwarves.  I will continue to try to find a way to work “That’s what she said” into all conversation.

I can’t prove it, but I think the computer was an even bigger issue this year.  Many times I just never went to bed.  There’s not enough time in the day to blog AND read blogs.

Plus that extra piece called life. 

How do YOU do it?

As for television, I still stay far away from the Discovery Channel in favor of “Housewives of Atlanta” & every other freak show.  That damned Vicki on ”Housewives of Orange County,” Real & Chance of  “Real Chance Of Love” and my beloved Sugar of this year’s ”Survivor” are so much better than actual pain in the @ss family members. 

Like these . . .

 

Are you wondering who those people are?  Look closely . . . 

5.) I will bathe more often than my mother, so that my brother’s girlfriend never says that I reek of butt odor as bad as my brother when he just comes off the road.  If I can smell my tampon I will acknowledge the need for a new one.

Do I get a ribbon for succeeding at this one? 

I’m sure my brother would be pleased he’s still getting named in the resolutions.  Well, maybe not.  I’m leaving it in anyway.  By the way, anyone know where the term P.U. came from?

6.) I will not beg my husband this year to take me out in his police car for my birthday & run the siren & lights, nor will I ask him to pull over & ticket people of my choosing (even though if he really loved me he would do this).  I will not search for his gun when visiting children jump on my good furniture with shoes & sticky fingers.

Change my mind on this one.  Some resolutions are stupid.

7.) Since I made my husband purchase a large house with a huge & expensive swimming pool, I will take a dip at least twice next summer.  I will attempt to invite people over at least once for a pool party & will not spend more than $1,000 on accoutrements for the get together, namely cookie cakes and new patio furniture.

We managed to find a middle ground by inviting lesbians instead of in-laws, which pleased the husband.  Perfect.

8.) When I am feeding the smelly, squealing guinea pigs multiple heads of Romaine lettuce I will consider the possibility of making a salad for our human family.  I will cook a single meat loaf for my husband at least once during each season & I will not insist that he applaud, although it would be good if he did.

F*ck that.  I live for an appreciative audience.  I must have been on drugs when I wrote some of these (or at a minimum, high on chocolate peanut butter ice cream.)

9.) I will keep trying to find a job where I will be greatly appreciated and highly paid for knowing a little bit about everything but not much about anything in particular.  I will try to perform work daily and not tell lies like I did at my last job, i.e. broken arm, broken collar bone, dead relatives, electrical failure.

No such job exists.  Since Target refused my application, I give up.  The humiliation factor is ridiculous.  Plus, one of my few talents is the ability to create believable lies.  Why should my skills be denied? 

I like making others feel good when they compare themselves to me.  Unfortunately, it’s a non-paid volunteer position.

10.) I will maintain a level of cleanliness in my house that does not invite insects of any species, I will spill nothing in the car that could cause maggots to breed again.

SCORE!  Success at last. 

Low expectations, better than anti-depressants.

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