If I Had A Billion Dollars . . .
January 13, 2009
In this age of trillion speak, a million is no longer enough to do more than barely eek out a living. So if a girl’s going to dream it’s got to be on a bigger scale.
If I had a billion dollars I would:
1. . . . keep it a secret & give it away anonymously. I would not have a boob job like Ivanka Trump, she really disappointed me with that. However, a neck lift is a definite possibility. Wrinkled necks are the devil’s handiwork. (I know once I had that tight new neck, though, my boobs would look worse than ever.)
2. . . . never want a limo or a crazy expensive car, just a convertible VW bug. I’d still drive myself & park far away to avoid dings in my doors. I’d want a really fast engine & an invisibility cloak.
3. . . . be totally controlling & paranoid. I don’t see how it’s avoidable.
4. . . . hope to avoid becoming a selfish jackass like most rich people, although I doubt I would succeed. It doesn’t appear possible.
5. . . . decorate my own house in crazy bright colors. Put a zip line out my bedroom window to the pool slide. Keep it cold enough to wear sweatshirts in July and August, even with constant use of the fireplace. Fill the yard with free range rabbits.
(Dammit, I’m becoming an @sshole already!)
6. . . . never buy jewelry that costs more than a small child or medium-sized village.
7. . . . own just a single house. (No doubt, this might be the first rule I’d break. I can’t reconcile this one without thinking big money turns people into monsters. How do you own twelve mansions & leave 11 sitting empty, then read the paper & see how others live?)
8. . . . still avoid Paris, France cause of all the public smoking & dogs in restaurants. I know this makes me sound uptight & boring. So be it.
9. . . . fly only when really necessary and then with a jet-pack. However, if I like this style of travel perhaps I’ll change my mind. No doubt, my husband will want a helicopter. Too dangerous. Add marriage counseling to the list.
10. . . still wear normal clothes, nothing designer. Those prices are just stupid! Regular stores carry very cute stuff, sometimes on sale. (How is it possible we adore these idiots who waste so much money on a single trip down the red carpet? Are we all crazy?!)
11. . . splurge on Ugg boots. Try not to spoil my children, which could make them hate me. (I don’t know how to fix this scenario. I refuse to go on Cribs & discover 100 boxes of new sneakers in my daughter’s room.)
12. . . pretend to be a bag lady (it’s not that far out), to see who’d still be nice. Buy a spot on the New York Times Bestseller List but refuse to go on Oprah out of spite. Throw the interview to Maury Povich instead.
13. . . move to where there’s rain and snow, not sun and heat. Live in a house overlooking a river but rarely go outside, avoiding bugs.
14. . . buy my husband a monkey and then give it away when I get jealous & think he loves it more than me.
15. . . still stay home a lot & refuse to answer the phone. Watch people on reality TV but rarely speak to anyone.
16. . . attend group therapy seven days a week.
17. . . still be afraid of the ocean but want a boat anyway.
18. . . have my own sauna & a really cool treehouse.
19. . . own a book store where people could hang out & read for free.
20. . . pay off my friend Roxanne’s library fines & buy her son Riley an unlimited supply of Red Bull. Hope & pray he does not become a raging addict, which would so completely negate the benefit of a zero balance library card.
What would you do?
January 13, 2009 at 7:52 pm
With a “Billion?”
Wow, that’s asking a lot. First, I’d e-mail my boss and tell him I quit. I’d prefer e-mail because it’s a whole lot more “you suck” than personally going in with your hat in your hand.
From a philanthropy stance, I think I’d start my own charity. I figure I can give the money away to needy people, without it costing 20% in overhead. Think of all the people I could help with 20% of a million dollars (assumes I give away at least a million).
I dunno. My dreams aren’t fancy enough to include a monkey, though I’m delighted yours are! (seriously, where did the monkey come from ?)
He’s always wanted a monkey. Instead, he got me.
January 13, 2009 at 11:37 pm
I’d leave and would never be found. I would find ways to help…but on my terms.
but would you continue to blog from your hidden lair?
January 14, 2009 at 8:46 am
I would by an Island and host my own cooking show on Foodnetwork. Hell, I’d buy Foodnetwork. I’d eat only gourmet food all the time, but I’d cook it myself. I’d get dressed every day in real clothes, but they would be all tshirts from Hot Topic and the Disney store. You’d give me your husband’s slightly used monkey when you got jealous, and she would help me cook on my Cooking with Monkey show.
Btw, I’m such a total shit, because I secretly laugh when I think about Pat laying there in the snow. If you had known her, you probably would too.
Oh, but that only makes me love you MORE! LOL
January 14, 2009 at 10:57 am
I’d let you find me.
OMG, the freaky part of that line is that you would even write it, let alone think it. These may be the 5 rarest words in the English language – lol – at least coming from MTAE. I have done my anthropological studies of your blog and this is like being on a dig and finding a dinosaur bone.
I feel like Sally Field at the Academy Awards.
January 14, 2009 at 5:16 pm
Let me be the judge of how you feel…;)
That was very risque’ for a naked man to say from a rooftop. Especially to an idiot who had to stare at it for a good 3-4 minutes before she goes, “OH!” Just to hear her husband say, “What was that?”
January 14, 2009 at 8:09 pm
I was with you right up to the very end.
Next time you buy him a Red Bull- you have to sit next to him in the backseat. Three out of five people in that car are very against you giving him another Red Bull- ever.
Now about those library fines……
I KNOW, I KNOW. I WILL BEHAVE. I just hope Riley & I can make it through this difficult time in our relationship.
Sorry about not making it to the library, but it’s colder than a witch’s tit out there.
January 14, 2009 at 8:52 pm
A treehouse would be awwwwwesome!!
Instead of RedBull, I’d buy DrPepper. Hell, I’d OWN DrPepper.
I, too, prefer the doctor. Zipline from treehouse to pool, no doubt.
January 15, 2009 at 9:52 am
ROFLMAO! MTAE, you and Pam had me all over the floor! LOL! Too much! The Dr. Pepper fantasy sounds good, but I always wanted an albino Bengal Tiger. And I want to walk him on my private beach, well, there will be other rich people along the way, so they can be suitably impressed by my Tiger.
Other than a few changes I would make, like retiring……otherwise, I would be pretending like I was ‘just getting by’ nobody would know I was a billionaire! I would live as if the money wasn’t there, well, except for a little more travel, the pantry FULL of Dr. Pepper, and my Tiger in the backyard! Yep, that’s it!
Now hold on there just a second. Have you discussed this with Sigfreid and Roy? Are you certain this is such a great idea?!
January 15, 2009 at 2:22 pm
Number 14 is very disturbing… but hopefully numbers 9 and 16 would take care of that.
Are monkeys allowed to sit in on marriage counseling sessions. The monkey seems to be an integral part of the problem.
I also notice bitterly that with all your billion dollars, you did not have one single thought for me. I’d like a monkey please. Also, after the last Christmas spent in my family, I would like to reassure you: you definitely do not have the monopole on fucked-up relatives (see my last post – I’m still a bit flabbergasted!)
It is disturbing, but I’m glad I know myself well enough to accept my foibles at this point in life. I cannot wait to read about your family. This is very exciting!
January 15, 2009 at 4:34 pm
I’d live pretty much like I do, because I’m not all that fancy either. I’d probably want to get a cool log cabin on a lake and start up a horse farm. Other than that, I’d give a lot away, quit my job and stop worrying about retirement.
BTW, there’s this company that builds the most unbelievable houses in trees, so you could have the house of your dreams built right in a giant tree.
Shit, I think I’ll have one of those with my billions.
I am a log cabin chick ALL THE WAY. Nothing else even compares!
January 15, 2009 at 9:10 pm
hahaha….that’s hilarious, and I have to say I think the zip-line idea is the coolest one….I would want slides IN my house too…like fun curvy slides from upstairs and downstairs, where you invariably wind up in piles of cotton fluff at the bottom (I’m thinking of that scene in a Christmas Story where Ralph and Randy go to see Santa
)
January 16, 2009 at 11:56 am
I don’t think I would change much about how I live. Well maybe that’s a lie. I would travel, travel, travel. I’m not even sure I would own a place to live because I wouldn’t plan on being around to stay in it. Come to think of it, my travels would put me in third world countries where I could spend my days at schools reading and playing red rover with the kids. And I wouldn’t go on Oprah either, I choose to dance on Ellen.
Dancing on Ellen is beautiful, if only I looked like her when I dance. I love the idea of not having a home at all, traveling to play with kids in poor countries. You may very well end up happiest of all. No chance of a monkey companion?
January 16, 2009 at 10:40 pm
I’d take random classes like surfing, horseback riding, sewing. I’d give money away, volunteer more, and smile more. I’d work with a personal trainer every day so I wouldn’t be embarrassed by my cottage cheese ass at the beach. I’d move into a hut in Samoa. I’d keep wearing stilettos but have prettier feet and sexy calves. I’d become friends with Anthony Bourdain and be his side kick. Naah… I’d kick him off the show and host my own. I’d search the world for someone who could wax me without causing me any pain. And I’d buy a monkey for myself.
Ya know, monkeys are very good at monkey maintenance and personal hygiene. They may very well know a thing or two about pain-free hair removal. I will watch your show.
January 17, 2009 at 5:46 pm
I’d buy an island and move there. Then I’d post “warning”, “private”, “keep out” signs all over the place. I would venture into the streets of the mainland only once a month to pick out some hapless looking soul and give them a hundred thousand. And that would be it. I’m simple that way.
Oh, I love the part where you hand over big cash to a stranger!!! That’s a fantastic plan. All the bullshit about finding someone “worthy” is a waste of time, considering the yin & yang of things. I would like to adopt this portion of your plan, please.
January 17, 2009 at 5:56 pm
I so agree with the zip line. We actually saw an episode of Redneck Weddings yesterday where they made one in the front yard of a trailer and a dude in a dirty yellow thong and cowboy boots rode it into a mattress nailed to a tree. There are some truly creative people out there – lol.
Thanks for visiting and commenting!
January 23, 2009 at 3:14 pm
“splurge on Ugg boots”
Here in Australia (where Ugg boots originated) Ugg boots are considered bogan (trailer trash) footwear, and as such it’s funny for me to see how a bit of marketing has changed how they’re perceived in another country.
An interesting insight, now I feel better.
July 3, 2010 at 12:26 pm
What a fun game, eh? I picked up a handy little technique from Mike Dooley’s book, Infinite Possibilities. Instead of imagining myself winning the lottery or doing any particular thing, I imagine that people I meet on the street, family, old friends, basically everyone that I see, continuously congratulate me. Why do they congratulate me? I don’t know. That’s not the point. The point is to imagine that I am receiving all of these congratulations, such that eventually, my universe will conspire it that people will ACTUALLY be congratulating me for something.
With Love and Gratitude,
The Intentional Sage
I think it’s interesting you mentioned Mike Dooley. I went to see him in NYC & have listened to a lot off his stuff on Cd. Of course, I haven’t exactly put it into practice quite as well as I think you have. Thank you for commenting.