Twisted Funkadelic
May 14, 2009
When my friends or relatives are exhibiting bipolar traits I notice almost immediately. When it’s me doing the same thing, it takes me several days to say,
“Funk Me!
Really, I shouldn’t exaggerate. I’m not bipolar, but I am a funky motherfucker when I get into a negative kick. I think I’ve been on the same one, more or less, since I was 10.
Although there are exceptions, I dislike sunshine, exceptionally happy people and bubbly personalities. A long devised equation in my head evens things out like a see-saw. A complete stranger wins the lottery? I’m fine with that as long as the person has either (1) a hideous facial disfigurement or (2) the kind of personality which insists on continuing to clean other people’s toilets “for fun & a sense of purpose,” or (3) been mistakenly sentenced to death row for a minimum of 12 lost years.
Most things seem pointless to me, even when I’m feeling pretty good, and I’m relatively certain that’s not normal. I do not have a serious drive to do much of anything at all.
I have no interest in a high paying job that would allow me to hire a contractor to remodel my bathroom. If the bathroom looks bad enough, I might consider wearing sunglasses inside the house. It’s just easier to stay home. I’m in the dark as to why people think it’s imperative that their house be immaculately clean. Yes, you’ll die with a clean house, but so what?
Bugs do make me move fast. I do whatever it takes to make them go away and then I sit back down. Same with unrecognizable smells. I do have standards.
I can’t comprehend people who don’t watch TV. What are they doing otherwise? Learning French? Decoupaging a plate? Washing their sheets? Cleaning behind their washer and dryer and refrigerator?
I don’t know anyone who speaks French, other than a few Montessori children (and they’ve got snot running down their faces, so I have no interest in communicating with them). I’d fuck up the plate, no doubt. You already know how I feel about cleaning. Such repetition is for dogs or squirrels or monkeys.
I do care about my children’s lives. It’s why my son insists on maintaining serious boundaries. He KNOWS me.
Pretty much the only thing I ever truly & completely believed I was good at, that made me feel successful, was caring for my babies. I’m not happy about leaving that persona behind, even though those days are freaking over. I’m not saying that to mean I’m “all giving” or some such bullshit – because I am selfish extraordinaire – it’s that I am hyper-alert regarding my children’s lives and less than concerned about my own. It’s why the babies are pulling me back toward my family of origin.
Next week I will move my son out of NYC, which will take considerable energy, and I will do it exactly as he chooses (in the most inconvenient way possible). For him I will battle traffic and do laundry and whittle a wooden stake to face down zombies.
My daughter got thrown off of Club Penguin FOR LIFE because she’s incredibly creative at being bad. I immediately made it my goal in life to get her back on-line, no matter the offense nor the fact that she withheld the information that she has been previously suspended three other times. She’s just 11!
Six e-mails and a phone call later, mission accomplished. I could not rest until she was happy again. It’s not like we don’t know who taught the girl her bad habits. She’s an absolute doll! Poor little girl shed real tears.
As for me, I tried anti-depressants and didn’t like them, so I stopped. If I had any stress in my life at all, then I might have no choice, but my husband does stress, not me. I can’t even handle filling out a job appplication or answering the phone. I’m talking on a good day.
Really, I was feeling pretty great until something this past week grabbed my balls and decided to twist. I don’t even know what it was . . . which is fucking annoying.
Alter Ego: (It’s PMS, ya dope! Lay off the chocolate! Get off yer ass!)
Fuck you!
Alter ego: (No, fuck you!)
May 14, 2009 at 10:30 pm
I understand, but can take hate to a whole new level. I hate happy people, bubbly people, angry people, sad people…it really is just a level of tolerating them.
Too funny about your daughter…that whole thing seems worthy of a blog post.
Your hatred is so appealing – LOL. I’ll work on the daughter thing.
May 15, 2009 at 1:48 am
“No fuck YOU!” Hey, I’m having that same war within myself- ROFLMAO, yes, PMS- claim it baby! I hate HATE hate HATE hAtE it when some chick will say, “I don’t get PMS” – ok, so then you’re just a psychotic bitch? Have it your way!
Club Penguin, our girls are about the same age? My daughter is 13. What the -uck did your daughter do to get kicked off there? I just have to know now… LOL!
I’m happy and bubbly – but I know you’d love me because I have the dark mood swings too so we’d mesh well…. again, laughing here!
You crack me up:) I guess I should do a post about this!
May 15, 2009 at 9:01 am
I think it could be the caffeine that makes JQ happy and bubbly…..so that is probably your saving grace JQ, you have a drug that helps you out?? LOL, or those dark sides you mention.
LOL, gee, I just don’t get MTAE’s either. I guess I AM that annoying person. I like happy. It feels good. Better things happen in my life when I am happy. Turns out there is actually a scientific reason why.
But either way, I figure we live our whole lives from this place ‘within.’ We THINK it’s all about what is happening outside, around us, but it is like a ‘Matrix’ kind of thing, we are creating it all, thru the filters we choose to see all that occurs.
LOL, the big laugh IS on us. If we just decide it’s all good…..well hell, it really is ALL good! Now that is my gift to you today Pam. To be my truly annoying real self…..just to give you some more ‘righteousness’ to get cranked up about.
I had to do it. I can’t help myself. I really like you.
I guess I need to print this and put it up on a wall somewhere:) I agree with you & I know it’s true. But where does the other negative shit come from? Did I just make it up? Cause I’m not saying anything changed on the outside, I know it’s all internal.
May 15, 2009 at 3:58 pm
I love it when you ask a question that I can possibly insist it wasn’t rhetorical, so I get to answer it! LOL!
You know exactly where all the negative shit came from….it turns out, as much as we do have genetic shit that happens…..it seems that really what has the MOST power is, really it is, our environment. We get the two things screwed together, because we forget that the genetic input is also freakin’ controlling our environment 24/7 /365! Not only that, but we don’t realize the power it has, or the conditioning that occurs so easily in all of us, so we don’t question it, or find ways to be different, we just think, “I have no choice, it’s genetic!”
Think Pavlov’s dogs here…..you know most of us aren’t a lot different! LOL! It’s habitual. We are the most habitual creatures alive. And we get friggin’ formed the most in the first seven or so years of our lives……when we don’t have a clue we are being imprinted on!
So the question isn’t where it comes from for you….we know her name. Well, we know her as your mom. (Although it would be neat to know where HER so drastically negative shit comes from!)
The question becomes, are we going to sit in the shit that was spread for us? Or figure out a way to start cleaning it up and live in something different? It takes a tenaciousness that I know you have…..lol…..if it is an asshole talking on the phone in a theatre. It’s just do you want to put it into play here?
The neat part is there isn’t one right way for this to all be done. You figure out something you want to work on, and put it into motion. It either works for you or it doesn’t. If it doesn’t, you look for a different way. You don’t just throw up your hands and say, “its never gonna work.” You BE the example you would want your kids to use to solve their problems as adults.
I might have told you this before, but when I was 18, an old friend of my step-father’s was having a conversation with me. I was spouting all this crap that I thought I was so knowledgeable about (sorta like I do on here, but with a lot less life to have a clue about what I was talking about!), and he made a statement to me that I have taken with me ever since.
“You can blame your parents for the way you are. You have to blame yourself if you stay that way.”
Thank god that man said that to me. It IS the reason I have changed in a million ways!
May 18, 2009 at 10:03 am
Another day, another random trip into the world of bipolarism. Life is good.
May 23, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I had no idea why I couldn’t shake my totally pissed off at the world attitude this week, thought it was just the whole hormones rule my entire body, mind and soul at my age, but now I know that if I just think the world is great that it really is. Who knew?
Exactly! LOL Who frigging knew?