Twisted Prank at the Empire State Building

If I love 10 things in life, pranks are included in the list. 

A few weeks ago I met a prank master who got me so good it was SICK!  It made me want a job like his just so I could f*ck with stupid people and get paid for it, too.

There’s always the option of standing on a street corner near the ocean this summer, like a block away, pointing people in a westerly direction when they stop & ask how to get to the beach.

* * * * *

The story began when my step-sister, Jodi, came to visit.  We haven’t spent time together since her father & my mother married, each bringing three children into the family.  We were the two oldest, the alpha females, forced to share a bed together for 7 years in FarmLand, Illinois.  We fought like cougars.  She moved one summer & disappeared off the face of my earth.

(In this photo she’s seated and I’m standing with my arms crossed, pissed off that she is holding the baby (who is now 35!).)

We got in touch again at my brother’s funeral last August, a bright spot in the nightmare.  A Chief of Police in Indiana, she’s now a freaking grandmother! 

(How f*cking old am I?)

The first day we stayed in our pj’s chatting until 5 p.m.  With her job she doesn’t get a chance to do such silly stuff very often.  She told great stories, like passing the Police Academy at the age of 35 & chasing down a flasher who maintained his erection throughout arrest (which included a freezing cold creek & a gun pointed in his direction). 

You know I love that kind of shit!

The next day we went to a garage sale at closing time & filled our car with free junk like an episode of the Beverly Hillbillies.  Yes, that’s me above.

We visited the 9/11 monument overlooking the bay & Manhattan’s skyline.

I didn’t feed her much.  My hostess skills really suck.

* * * * *

Sunday we went into NYC & did everything I could think of to see it all (minus downtown).  We started at the TKTS booth in Times Square, walked to the most cracked out flea market I’ve ever been to in my entire life, then took a cab to Central Park & rode in a horse carriage driven by a handsome young Irishman. 

It was 82 degrees. When it hits 85 the horses must be taken off the street & returned to their stalls or their owners are breaking the law.

Whenever I’m in Central Park I want to get a picture of myself lying on these rocks like a dead body in a Law & Order episode. 

Failed again.

 

Next, we  took a bicycle to Dylan’s (Lauren) Candy Bar (which is so unbelievably cool, the perfect place for a deliciously slow suicide at age 93).  This photo is what it looks like from the seat on the back of the bike.  Traffic at intersections is mind-bending.  It’s a squirrel’s eye view.

Happy to be alive, we ate hot pizza on the street.  My glasses fell off my face & into the cheese, which pleased Jodi to no end.  Time for dessert at the famed Serendipity 3:

Frrrrrrozen hot chocolate ($8.50) & a

Forbidden Broadway Sundae
chocolate Blackout cake, ice cream, hot fudge topped with whipped cream ($14.50). 

(Jodi, I apologize profusely, but I love the smile!)

Their website states that Madonna’s daughter, Lourdes, was recently there celebrating her father Carlos’ birthday with several friends.  Salma Hayek visited with her daughter Valentina after her recent wedding.  Cameron Diaz popped by, as did the Olsen twins (with their own champagne).

For some reason I did not see PAMAJAMA listed in the mix.

(In this photo we’re supposed to be imitating chipmunks.)

We saw an Off-Broadway show (The Marvelous Wonderettes).  I sat beside an insurance salesman from Louisiana.  He’d won a contest & was staying at The Waldorf on the company dime.   He let me quiz him on his thoughts about the government’s response to Katrina & its’ aftermath.  

Afterwards, we saw Jane Fonda signing autographs (no, I did not scream the word “Traitor!”), went to the Hershey’s store AND the M&M store, Rockefeller Center & then on to the Empire State Building at dusk. 

I was just a little loosey-goosey by this point:

After hoofing it a few miles we reached our destination & a dude at the entryway wanted us to buy expensive special tickets that would allow us to avoid the line, plus see a video.  I didn’t want to spend the extra money, but Jodi would have happily done so.  I totally annoyed the guy with my bad attitude. 

As we were wrapping up our discussion he said,

“Oh, there goes Tom Hanks, the man there with the hat!  He’s been shooting a movie in the area and I guess he’s heading for dinner.  We saw him earlier when he was walking to lunch.”

Classy chick that I am, I said

“F*ck the Empire State Building, let’s follow Tom Hanks!” 

So we did.  After two blocks we caught up with Tom, who was actually

an incredibly dirty homeless man, crazy as any bed bug.

So there you have it, something I’d be willing to get out of bed for, the opportunity to prank a middle aged jackass that thinks it makes sense to run down the street in pursuit of Tom Hanks,

a guy who would never walk alone or have the need to purchase his own meals during a movie shoot.

* * * * *

We did go up in the Empire State building & soon knew exactly what it felt like in the Octo-Mom’s crowded womb.  NYC tourists are often from ANYWHERE other than America & there is a difference in personal space expectations.  I don’t like to be touched.  It’s a problem!  I expected gigantor pink pigs to fly by the Empire State building at any moment.

While climbing lots and lots of stairs — my decision, to save from waiting on an elevator — Jodi reminded me she has a heart condition, which developed after dealing with breast cancer and the meds she had to take for treatment last year.  I immediately visualized her falling over — with me to blame — being carried from the 72nd floor by EMS workers. 

I ordered her to maintain consciousness and stay alive for at least another 30 years, on the off chance someone remembered our errant trip up one of the tallest landmarks in America (at my insistence).  

On the way out we found the creative genius who directed us to Tom Hanks.  We lauded his mastery & success in the prank department.  This is a guy who knows how to entertain himself! 

I can only imagine the joy he experienced, watching my ass scoot on down the sidewalk at hyperspeed, purse flying behind me in pursuit of Forrest Gump. 

Whether he gets another big sale or not

who cares?

as long as he can see another ignorant tourista run down the street in the direction of the homeless Oscar winner.