Twisted Homeschool Sex Education

Yesterday was entertaining, to say the least.  By the time it was over I told Rachel to file this one under “Homeschool Sex Ed.”

My step-brother Scott & crazy wonderful girlriend Patty have been getting to know each other virtually for about six months.  I introduced them because they’re the funniest people I know, with the biggest hearts.   They both happen to be sexy wackjobs, too. 

A conversation with either can make you feel high from lack of oxygen as you can’t catch your breath, laughing at their unvarnished takes on life and willingness to say whatever.  Both have had enough crazy shit happen they’ve got their priorities straight & will also tell you to go fuck yourself in a heartbeat.  You just might not realize it till the following day.

Scott drives a truck full of ink, one so big I could never, ever, ever drive it on the Pennsylvania Turnpike without knocking out cement dividers and wreaking havoc.  His route includes the northeast.  We live in central Jersey & he drives into North Jersey, so we’d never managed to get together until this matchmaking situation.   I only saw him when I made the drive to KY, then he’d want me to drive 90 miles further to his house out in the middle of nowhere.  When I say “the middle of nowhere” I mean he doesn’t get telephone reception.  WTF?

He is a big ass hot man with hands the size of dinner plates.  He hasn’t been in a relationship for several years with anyone he didn’t just pick up for the fun of it and toss her out when she said too many damned words.  He’s got a few . . . . issues.  After all, my mother was his step-mother.  (A loud groan would be appropriate at this point.)  We were both 7 when our parents married.  He has become very popular with Mom since she thinks I blocked him on Facebook along with her and my sister.  He just goes along and laughs about it.  He is far more family to me than the original blood relatives.

Patty is in the midst of figuring out what she wants to do with her life.  Her son died just over 2 years ago, she’s divorced and living with a man she’s in the process of leaving.  Recently she met a friend of her sister’s in Florida, had relative fun with him but no big deal.  She came back to NJ and EIGHT DAYS LATER he moved here.  This is the kind of effect she has on men.  Except women love her, too.

She is a tiny blonde with an easy laugh and blonde hair she sometimes wears like Pebbles Flintstone, piled high on top her head.  She’s into tanning, like most natural born Jersey girls.  Her mouth is wonderfully filthy.  She exudes a major vibe that makes men hang their heads out the windows of moving vehicles the way dogs do.  Yet she might as well wear a chastity belt for as often as she gives that shit up.  This chick is no fool.

When the over-zealous dude moved up here and gave her an ultimatum about moving she blatantly said, “Who the fuck are you?”  When he sent her a text that he thinks he’s “easy on the eyes, a 7,” she replied, “Don’t flatter yourself, I’ve seen better.  Try a 5.”  I love her far more than chocolate peanut butter ice cream.

We met Scott in a parking lot.  I personally find romance hard to stomach & it was difficult to watch!  The look on his face was  jungle cat stalking prey.  This was new for me, I’ve never seen him in action before, only heard about it.  We double-dated for the Senior Prom, but  he didn’t quite have his entire game together at 17.

Patty did nothing to calm the situation.  If she’d flipped her hair one more time or giggled or touched him any more than she did I would have needed a fire extinguisher.  As it was, he insisted on putting her on his lap when we drove a mile to the restaurant and then again on the way back.  In the front seat of my car, even though the back was available.

Rachel was literally gagging.  Yes, in the midst of comments about sagging balls and handjobs I had a 13-year old girl with me.  In their defense, it’s hard to remember that a 5’9″ chick is so young until you notice she’s rolling her eyes and whispering to me about “old people” trying to act hot. 

Patty and I decided Scott could be a movie double for Tommy Lee Jones.  He is so adorable.  After finding out about Patty’s kidney problems he’d gone on the internet to determine how she should change her diet.  She couldn’t believe it.

A couple of times I had to translate  Patty’s Jersey mumble and hyper-speed speak versus Scott’s southern drawl and hearing loss.  Patty made several references to hillbilly weddings and Scott told her she would not be able to continue her habit of throwing furniture on the curb and replacing it with something new more than once per year.  They are both neat freaks. 

He wanted her to bring a bag and go home in the truck with him.  She’s a mom of five grown kids, all whom she’s very close with.  Her unorthodox parenting methods turned out far better kids than most.  She’s got kidney surgery looming at the end of the month.  So she did not get in the truck other than to pose for pictures and insisted Rachel stay with her, no doubt as a bodyguard.

All in all, it was worth the trip.  They are two of my most favorite people in all the world.  Next time he’s hopefully going to stay all weekend.