A Pamajama Primer

 

I am Pam.  I’m 48 but sometimes act 10 or 16 or 25.  I grew up in Illinois and as soon as possible moved away.  Of course, wherever you go, you take yourself along.  And that has been a problem.

I spent time in Oregon, San Francisco (because it’s its’ own state, the best ever) and North Carolina.

For 20 years now I’ve lived in New Jersey, 16 hours from my mother, the minimum distance allowed. 

We moved here so my son would grow up with extended family nearby.  His father died when he was just a year and two days old.  Both my son’s father and my father were 33 when they died, just like Chris Farley & Jesus Christ.  A hidden message, perhaps?

I’m a prior probation officer, mall Easter bunny, legal secretary, word processor, waitress, and once sold frozen meat from the back of a pick-up truck (I just drove around in circles).  For 11 years I’ve been a  stay at home mom.  Clearly, I wasn’t so good at long-term employment.  I hope I’m a better mother, but sometimes I wonder about that, too. 

My favorite job was in San Francisco, working for an appellate death penalty attorney, sitting in as an assistant at hearings and visiting San Quentin.  Where could there possibly be a better place to pick up admirers?  My favorite prisoner lost his mind, began licking the toilet bowl and eventually committed suicide.

I was a criminal justice major because it was the easiest.  And since I had dated criminals since the age of 14 it felt like a good match.  Now that I’m married to a cop I am forced to behave, and that’s a good thing.  He had three ferrets before he met me and I kind of think I intrigued him in the same way — sort of a weird & interesting pet. 

I always wanted to be a hippie but never quite pulled it off, as evidenced by the fact that I’m married to Mo* (Viet Nam vet, my hero).  There was a time when I thought I was a peace-loving innocent who would never kill another human.  That was before having children.

I’m a sugar addict, sometimes schizo, dysfunctional family of origin member.  I love laughter, am rarely serious, and sometimes have a big mouth. 

Unfortunately, the times when I speak up are rarely the times when I should. I have a tremendous dislike of conflict, a result of what I think is PTSD obtained while living with my screaming mimi of a mother.

I’ve been known to trampoline in the nude.  I am a people pleaser, a past member of every possible political party other than communist.  I am a writer, a reader & a TV addict.  Reality TV is my thing and it fits in with my desire to peek into other people’s lives and find out how they compare to my own.

I’m a terrible cook but love to eat.  Astrology (Gemini with a Pisces Rising and Cancer Moon) is my favorite science.  I adore my son Bo*, a recent college graduate (23) and my daughter Joy* (11).  It does not jive that I am an occasionally angry lunatic.

I am a step-mother to two adult sons, JJ* (35) & Jay* (31), a baby fanatic and nearly 5-year veteran breastfeeder.  I am obsessed with knowing what other people are thinking & how they tick.  From an early age it was my desire to be a mind-reader.

I keep secrets in my real life because I am afraid of exposing the craziness & fear the results of confrontation.  It keeps me distant and makes me sad.  One day, when I grow up, I will be totally honest and say “Fuck It!” 

This is my beginning . . .

 

* Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.